this will also hurt like hell but be okay

 like looking back over my shoulder while we 

bump up the dirt road like leaving the farm

behind for the rest of my life 

knowing

it's locked with no way to open the little scenes in the hearts hanging on the Christmas tree

forever for the rest of my life goodbye and it's okay among 

the crocheted snowflakes

the sunset i dreamt was a popped balloon

i zoomed in

too soon

the empty room is closing me in

run

cold trail of thoughts wasted
ache of the swing in season and scent of
something out of reach for no reason

i'd have fallen on my knees to beg if i'd
thought it could have lasted
but the distance in an inch between us was more
than i could imagine

now i leave before the petals wither
scared tomorrow those blue eyes won't be there either

September Wedding

That day as fragile as the two roses lying
in the pew in place of your grammy and grampy
Then in the rainy front seat after
my heart still trying to beat

our eyes avoiding all the lines drawn standing in the wet grass

i unfold this memory every time to find us
packing our things in your jeep and i grab onto you
one of many times i tried to fit you back in through the thornbush of broken ribs
i held onto you so long after i knew i had to let you go.

i don't want you to know
that i bought that cd just to see
how your favorite song sounds

and i don't want you to know i know
it's your favorite song

if he knew?

breath held tightly in teeth because lips touch hands touch lips and i'm between here and there again i don't know and i know again heard a heartbeat in the background hit the ground began to pound so i'm looking around

Down Your Face

Where I kissed you
dust
Your eyes twinkled
trails of rust

wasn't my fist that broke your smile that Novemeber morning

maybe treading water to stay afloat caused those three years of mourning

flung

can't cauterize
the torn veins when hearts break
momentum makes an orbit we can't shake

roller coaster and no motor
and no breaks

holes

I didn't know
that someone I didn't know
could smash my heart into
even smaller smitherines.

Three Strings

how many more days til I'm completely unraveled
I wonder
please
I need those braids now.

promise

I see the hint of a twinkle in my eyes
in these may photos where in february
it looked like every shred of happiness
had been vacuumed out of my soul

thank you

I promise I will not go to the photoblind where he carved our initials to surprise me
I promise
not yet

constellate

Love is sometimes an accident.

But I thought
a spider was weaving his web through the stars
and got to ours.

I'm scared that no one will smile at me like you did.

keep me in the cradle

keep me in the crib

rock me if you're able

keep calling me baby

Misery Express

At first I thought there could be beauty in this breakdown
but at some point I ended up in a different passenger car and it's
cramped and cold and the train left the tracks days ago

Don't you remember how your whistling made me cry when I
was a day away across the ocean?

Cursed

This heart is the dog by the door
waiting for its owner
who died
you can try
but there's no way to make it
understand that
he's not coming home anymore.

Excuse me if I

break my own heart tonight
to get today's pain over with.

This head is a whirlpool on a rollercoaster.

Stark

How beautiful is a whale skeleton alone on the beach?
And how unbearably sad?

I know it's the wrong way of thinking

but does anyone know the way back to 2004?
I think it was a good year.

sad sad girl

I wonder when someday is. I've been wondering that for too long. I turn down my street and scan it for the white jeep in front of my house I check my mailbox every time I'm at the front door when I go out to my car after work I hold my breath and look quickly for anything on my windshield every big white vehicle driving up beside me check my email a million times every day pray

watch the intersection outside at work could you would you drive by to feel close to me just think of me on the scooter around and around the cul-de-sac with my hair blowing behind me

Here Again

As many times as I felt myself trying to claw my way out
there was always your face and the way you held me, even briefly, when I absolutely couldn't stand anymore
and the drive through zoo
and eureka springs
and everything

and everything

I think people have gotten through things like this before
but I always thought we were different
and I wonder what the jagged, keloid scars look like on their hearts and how often they have to grab their chests and catch their breath

damn our pasts for making us weak

now in the mirror my face is a smear